The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
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When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time