JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
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I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.