Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
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We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back