Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
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[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
LMAO
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Boy never ceases to amaze me
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.