You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
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Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.