Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
You Might Also Like
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”