Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
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Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
do u think theres a butter planet?
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard