[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
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Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.