girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
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My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.