I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
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me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.