TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
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Have kids, they said
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
what does he know…
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Milk Cube
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.