Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
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Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.