Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
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Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
A drum solo but on your face.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
What the hell happened here.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Warm pools make me nervous.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.