9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
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“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Mmmm canned fish.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?