I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
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I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?