You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
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In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Did I do this right
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God