Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
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[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me: