If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
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“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same