My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
You Might Also Like
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!