Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
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Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Hard not to take this personally
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Perfect
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.