[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
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I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
The point of your 20s
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
no cat here
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.