[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
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I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.