My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
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People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
my retirement plan is braless
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Hitlers gonna hitl
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc