“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
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Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Dishonest mechanic?
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.