I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
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playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes