A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
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*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Breaking news:
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes