me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
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New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I had to Stop for this
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.