When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
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Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
groan^2