You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
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“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners