There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
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My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.