Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
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I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
That eye roll….
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Möther may I have a snäck
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.