LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
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Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.