Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
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My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
2022: I can fix it
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*