My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
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Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Liquor Store Parking
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.