superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
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Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…