MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
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Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
My purse is deeper than some people.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Good dog. ❤️
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.