ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
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[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
*frowns in Scottish*
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth