Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
You Might Also Like
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done