11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
British people be like I’m Bri ish
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*