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Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
huge if true: the moon
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT