Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
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I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
🛁
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.