So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
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I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
#parenting
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.