If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
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Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!