the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
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They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Me too
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”