Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
You Might Also Like
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Pizza is an emotion right?
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Brilliant!
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.