A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
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Spotted in New Orleans.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
whatcha thinkin bout
When the stylist spins you back around
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”