A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
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[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I don’t think my car can fly
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no