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It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Me driving through Toronto
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.