We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
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[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house