why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
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You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
How dude HOW?!
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.